How to find love? Situation analysis and advice

The end of a long relationship is a real upheaval. However, at some point, the desire to meet a new partner will be felt. Easier said than done, as this research turns out to be quite complicated. Spotlight on dating psychology, not forgetting our valuable tips.

The best is yet to come

Recently, the University of Antwerp conducted a study on the search for love. The latter had as a central question: “After the divorce, are we looking for a new partner with the same personality as our ex? ”

It turned out that the new lover often possessed less “marital” personality traits. According to the researchers, this is due to the limited supply on the market. “There weren’t going to be many good candidates left,” they said, rather crudely.

We have high expectations when it comes to love because we are much freer to choose than before.

However, almost half of the families in our country live alone and this percentage increases every year. It is true that it is partly about older people who have lost their significant other. However, as of early 2021, 27% of young Belgian families were also single. Don’t worry, there is a lot to choose from.

Check a list

There have actually never been so many singles on the market yet that doesn’t lead to more relationships. Maybe we are setting the bar too high? Relationship expert Esther Perel says we have high expectations when it comes to love because we are much freer than before in choosing our partner. Indeed, we no longer need a partner for economic reasons. Since, a very long list of other requirements appeared. Plus, we have a lot more choices; apps like Tinder allow us to expand our horizons. And this is the problem: these apps make the choice seem endless and push to stay in touch nonstop for fear of losing the person who might tick items on our requirements list.

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Fear of making a choice

The pandemic has accelerated the growth of the online dating world. The number of dating app users skyrocketed during the blocks. But “Tinder Fatigue” comes on just as quickly: a lot scroll, few meetings. A 2019 Dutch study (A Rejection Mind-Set: Choice Overload in Online Dating) shows that the sheer number of apps on offer actually makes us overly judgmental, makes us hang out less, and reduces our chances of being picked by someone. to. Researchers call it the “paradox of modern dating” “Online platforms offer more opportunities than ever to find a romantic partner, but people are more likely to be single. (…) Constant access to virtually unlimited potential partners makes people more pessimistic and more rejecting. “

The perfect partner does not exist

Experts therefore recommend no don’t be too demanding. Love at first sight is rare, says Esther Perel. Feelings must grow. According to the relationship expert, we should abandon the search for the perfect partner. There is no single soul mate: “The goal is to find someone to build a life with and who will then become your soul mate, but it can be done with different people“Explains Esther Perel.

Psycho: How to find love again?  Situation analysis and advice
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A Canadian University of Victoria study showed that most relationships start with a friendship. As many as 70% of participants were their partner’s first friend, usually for a year or two, before there was attraction. “We get the idea of ​​strangers who are attracted to each other and start dating, but that’s not how most relationships start. The line between friendship and romance is blurred,” said researcher Danu Stinson. .

Do something you love on a first date

Appointment anxiety

Also, if the feeling passes, it’s important to meet quickly offline. We tend to hide behind our screens and the health crisis has only amplified this reflection. In a study conducted by iVox for Meetic last summer, six out of ten people cited the pandemic as a reason for their reluctance to date, a phenomenon that has been dubbed FODA or “Fear of Dating Again”. Elisabeth Timmermans, author of Love in the days of Tinder (and happy herself with the Tinder date) warns of the risk of create a false image someone chatting online for too long, which can lead to disappointment. If you meet earlier, preferably within two weeks, you have lower expectations.

She also underlines it the relationships formed via an app are not inferior traditional meetings. They might also be of higher quality because people are actually looking for a relationship rather than being caught off guard. Those who consciously seek a lover are more willing to compromise and invest in the other person.

Psycho: How to find love again?  Situation analysis and advice
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Nine tips for a perfect date

There is no time to waste for people who want old fashioned offline dating. In fact, studies have calculated that more than 40% of first meetings take place online. In the United States, 40% of heterosexual relationships and 60% of same-sex relationships start on the web. However you come on your first date, we’ve rounded up some tips from experts and experienced people to help you get started.

  • find your partner in crime, aka The Single Friend. It takes the pressure off. Going on vacation or to the bar, hanging out in front of the TV or letting off steam after work – you don’t necessarily need a lover for that. And then you can pester each other over failed dates and soggy couples around you.
  • Try an app that’s right for you. In addition to Tinder, there are many others. For example, Bumble, where women take the lead. Or Facebook Dating, which connects people based on common interests (and all the other things Mark Zuckerberg knows about you).
  • Have your closest friends verify your dating profile. It is often difficult to describe yourself correctly or even choose a representative photo. Self-knowledge is always a good thing, of course – if you just can’t stand puppets, Jeff Panacloc may not be for you. But never say never (see next tip).
  • Forget the requirements list. Your new lover is a bad cook or he doesn’t like surfing, so what? You also listen to Adele’s new record in the car to go to work.
  • Don’t give up. Every attempt is an opportunity to win. A missed appointment? This tells you nothing about the success rate of others. Give it a chance and get to know yourself. If that doesn’t work, you may end up with a great new friendship.
  • A successful date can be in the little things in everyday life. Be open to appointments organized by friends, a conversation with a stranger on the train, a reunion with old classmates, the party of a colleague you usually reject, a class or a new hobby …
  • Do something you love on a first date. It is not necessarily a dinner (which you have to put up with until the end, even if it is very disappointing). Playing sports together, going for a walk, going to the museum… In this way, it immediately seems less like a job interview.
  • If you are going to spend your life together, you better have fun. Pleasure is a fundamental pillar of a relationship. Look for common interests, however insignificant they may seem. Do you like cooking? Maybe this delicious deli around the corner is something for you.
  • Finally, as with family dinners, there are topics to avoid. According to a recent study of Belgians, it’s best not to talk about marriage (27%), sex (27%) or your ex (26%) on a first date. Oh, and don’t talk too much about yourself: 64% of respondents appreciate suitors who ask questions and are interested.

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