My “first time” was a first time that normally only happens in movies. It was with the one who was my high school economics teacher (for the sake of anonymity, I changed subject).
I was in the terminal. I had never had a love or sexual relationship with a guy. Little evening flirts, dating, but nothing that didn’t catch my attention enough to pass the class. I wanted an adventure, something rare. I was waiting. And, every school year, I wondered if, this time, I would end up in a real relationship.
The new eco-teacher
September 2017, new and last return to high school. I’m sitting next to my best friend for the first business class of the year. The teacher enters the classroom. He is new and very young. 32 years old. General reaction of the girls in the class: “He looks like an American actor!” (whose name I will retain).
I don’t find the similarity that striking. She sits down and introduces herself. My best friend, who knows my taste for older men, whispers in my ear: “This is not the time to fall in love, Lola.” I laugh and pretend I don’t understand.
The lessons pass, I am interested in the topic, I participate in the lessons and ask questions. In the classroom there is a certain rumor that the teacher would stare at me in class. My best friend agrees. I reply that it is false, it is impossible for a teacher to behave ambiguously with a student. Well, this has happened before in history, but why should it happen to me?
During the Christmas holidays I meet him with his friends in a shopping center, he approaches me and the discussion begins. I have to buy books, he advises me on authors. At the end of the exchange, he adds me on Facebook. We didn’t talk right away. January 2018, I am sick and I have not been able to attend an economics course. He sends me a message to find out why I couldn’t come. I explain to him.
From this exchange, we talk every day, from time to time until it’s time to go back to class. At the beginning the discussions are quite intellectual: we discuss our common passion for cinema, we talk about novels, about art … Then our communication becomes more intimate. We tell each other about our days, our fears, our desires. One day he confided to me his fear of panic of flying, or the divorce of his parents because her mother had betrayed her father …
A drink, in a bar
He ends up offering me a drink at the end of the class, late on a Friday afternoon, in a bar. I tell my best friend right away, who is really excited for me. I am a little anxious because this is the first time I have a real date. It’s a date, but right now I still refuse to admit the obvious, which is that I’m starting an intimate relationship with my teacher.
Obviously, attracted by the taste of the sensational, I accept. We have a beer and have fun. In the evening, when I get home, I send him a message to thank him. He replies that he really enjoyed my company and he asks me if I want to start over. I accept. From that evening we start meeting at least once a week, in hidden cafes and bars in Marseille to avoid being recognized.
One day, we are photographed by two students in my class, and she walks around the school, which spreads a rumor about us. I talk to him about it, he replies that he doesn’t care because there is only one photo anyway, and next year she will change schools. He then he tells me that he wants to continue seeing me but in a more discreet way, especially on weekends, when there is less risk of meeting students.
More and more suggestions
The more we see each other, the more our discussions take a sexual path. I tell him I’ve never had sex. He replies that no guy approaches me (certainly to show off). This is the first time I have been confronted with such concrete sexual language. I talk about it with my best friend who obviously keeps the secret. She is amused, like me, by the situation.
Towards the end of the year, what is just a game becomes even more real when he asks me, after my baccalaureate and my 18 years, to join him for a weekend in Aix-en-Provence, where he comes from. Officially, he is no longer my teacher and I have recently come of age.
I accept with enthusiasm and a hint of apprehension. I know that I will have my first sex with someone who was my teacher.
See you together in a bar to celebrate the end of the baccalaureate. She tells me that she is having an affair. You seem like a slap to me. I fell in love with him, because I finally saw the extraordinary story I was waiting for. I manage to hide my pain to finally answer that it does not change my desire to spend this weekend with him.
A “dream” weekend with my teacher
The long awaited day is coming. I put my pain aside and make myself beautiful for him. I’m having a great weekend. I told my parents that I was going to spend the weekend with a friend. They know nothing of this story.
My old teacher rented a nice Airbnb for two nights. We go to the cinema and to the restaurant. We hold hands on the streets, like a “real” couple, but that’s not the case. When my first time happens, I am relaxed, because it corresponds to the idea that I had made of it: a first time different from that of the others.
I naively think I can make him fall in love with me by offering myself to him. In vain, of course.
During the following summer he continues to talk, then he tells me that he has accepted a permanent position in the north of France. See you one last time, a few days before his move. She tells me that she is separating from her spouse. I am happy, thinking that she is doing it for me. But no. I’ve never heard from him again. I suffered for a year before finally being able to close the chapter of this story.
No regrets, but a little bit of bitterness
Today, several years later, I really have no regrets about this short relationship. I am obviously aware that you have reason to be morally condemned. I am and was obviously aware of the prohibition of having a relationship with a teacher because of the authority she has, but also of the practice of mentally preparing a teenager for a sexual relationship: it is called grooming.
But, at the time I was living this story, I refused to admit that his intentions were perhaps not pure. I naively thought it was an impossible love story in which we both suffered, when in reality I was the only one suffering.
I have no news of him and I think he still took advantage of his status to be able to seduce me. Today I certainly won’t make the same mistake again because I realize now that he was unhealthy. I would be very worried if, one day, one of my children finds himself in this situation. But despite everything, I can’t deny that I agreed. I was of age and could finally experience something forbidden that had never happened to anyone.
Finally, and as a conclusion, I advise students who have a “crush” on their teacher not to try to achieve this type of relationship, which cannot end well, and I recommend that any inappropriate behavior on his part be reported to the hierarchy. of a teacher.
Lola, 21, student, Paris
This testimony comes from the writing workshops conducted by the ZEP (the priority expression area), a means of supporting the expression of young people aged 15 to 25, who testify to their daily life and all the news concerning them.