At what age can you start? How to get your sexuality off to a good start? What do you need to get rid of to thrive? Who should you ask your questions about in the field? Specialists help you orient yourself.
Psychologists and sexologists Olivia Benhamou and Joelle Mignot, Phosphore Editor-in-Chief David Groison, were guests of the Grand Bien Vous Fasse program. On the microphone of Ali Rebeihi, they gave some tips to pass this course.
At what age to embark on the adventure? Joëlle Mignot observes that “if young people start their sex life after 17, the average of the first intercourse, they are complex. A sensation accentuated by the widespread idea in the collective imagination that sexuality begins in adolescence.
Olivia Benhamou insists: “Age is really a secondary criterion, you have to want it”.
But in his practice, he discovers that many boys are afraid of “dying virgins”.
David Groison specifies that “17 is the same average age for 20 or 30 years. The difference is that the girls are now the same age as the boys. We are talking about the first time that there is penetration, but we must not reduce sexuality to this single act. “
Ask the right questions
More than a question of age, entering sex life requires rather a deconstruction and questioning to get to know each other well. For Olivia Benhamou it is a question of asking: “What do I want? What I like? Who don’t I like? What turns me on? … You have to consider your partner: “Is it really with this person that I want to have a romantic and intimate experience? “
Get rid of performance and porn
“Getting stuck in the performance, it’s risky to be disappointed” explains David Groison: “We’re not going to lie to each other, the first time from a performative point of view isn’t always terrible! A sexual relationship is built little by little, it is learned and built together. “
Olivia Benhamou adds: “in sexuality you have to replace the ‘must’ with ‘I want’. When you start your sex life with a script in your head that includes penetration, fellatio, cunnilingus, sodomy, a script inspired by what you see in pornography, you lose what you want to do.
Porn is not reality: in a porn movie you never see a condom that you can hardly put on, or clumsiness, or fall out of bed … Things that exist in reality. What is shown in pornography is extremely stereotyped and emotionless.
Often boys are confronted with the standards of these films and imagine that their partners have extraordinary expectations. This stems from their ignorance of what happens during intercourse. All of this is painful and frightening. “.
There are telephone numbers such as youth health, family planning, reference adults, doctors, pharmacists … “But often the family is not necessarily the right place”, explains Olivia Benhamou: “All parents are not at ease. There are families in which sexuality is forbidden and considered dirty, or forbidden before marriage. With even bans on certain practices. And it leaves a lot of traces. “
David Groison deplores the little done at school that “leaves room for pornography and word of mouth from friends. “
At any time, we can stop
“There is a gray area of consent,” explains Olivia Benhamou. “ There is an emotional part linked to the lack of self-confidence, the desire to become attached to the partner, the desire for the relationship to last, the fear of abandonment … Thinking that if you refuse to do something you risk another breakup it is very destructive. “
And David Croison: “The important thing is to want it. It’s true. But saying “yes” is not saying “yes” to everything, and it is not “yes” to the end. At any time, if you don’t like it, you can say enough. Not listening to yourself and saying it can contaminate the future. “
In sexuality, the norm does not exist
Emily Nagosky: “We are all the same, different, all normal. “
In her office, Olivia Benhamou often hears: “I have such a fantasy, I have such anxiety, I have such a size of the labia minora … Am I normal? This is a question that arises continuously and not only among young adults. “
Take care of your first experience
The first erogenous organ in our body is our brain.
Olivia Benhamou explains that the first time is fundamental: “I receive patients of all ages who come for sexual disorders, erectile dysfunction, vaginismus, various pains, premature ejaculation…. When looking for the causes: almost 99.9%, we find a lived experience of their first experience linked to more or less traumatic memories. These are moments that led them to question themselves, to find themselves in difficulty. It will be for the gaze of one’s partner, the gaze on oneself, progress, the context, the discomfort, the fear of being surprised … hence the importance of choosing a place and a time in which you feel good.
Let’s avoid being completely drunk, for example, or in the back of a car. This kind of situation can make you regret not being in full possession of your means. “
Rest assured, this is just the beginning
Joelle Mignot recalls: “Meeting the other is also being in a strong emotional state that will also shift the lines within yourself. And sexuality is an initiatory process. Throughout our life we will learn from ourselves, from others … “
LISTEN | Great for you upon entering sex life